By: Dallas Bowlin
Senior Staff Writer/Editor/Host
All Vol Call In Show
It’s the bye week—so, let’s rank which SEC mascots would win in a bar fight. What better way to fill the football void than imagining a wild mascot showdown? We’re starting with the weakest and working our way up to the toughest. Let’s dive in!
TONY THE LANDSHARK
I mean, it’s a shark… on land. Use a bull shark or a great white, but Ole Miss went with a shark in the one place it’s most vulnerable. There’s nothing else to say here—the weakest by far.
REVEILLE
Come on, it’s a collie. It is one of the prettiest dog breeds, and it is sweet as can be. I can’t imagine one being dangerous at all. Honestly, I’d like to pet her.
MIKE THE TIGER
We’re talking about the costumed tiger here, not the live one. If it were Mike the live tiger, he’d probably win this whole thing—especially after seeing that picture of a tiger being traumatized in his cage. The costumed version? Its head is way too big for its body—way too top-heavy.
SCRATCH AND WILDCAT
I still remember the wildcat doing the John Wall dance. Even as a young lad, I cringed. These mascots should stick to playing with a ball of yarn.
BIG RED
In most conferences, Big Red might take the crown. But unfortunately for him, the SEC is home to some pretty stout mascots. One headbutt and he’d embarrass Mike the Tiger. As for Tony the Landshark? Let’s just say the All Vol Call In Show is a family-friendly outlet.
UGA
Kind of the opposite of Mike the Tiger. The live version might be worse than Mike. Have you seen him on the sidelines at Georgia games? He looks more miserable than I did at that Lexington Legends baseball game in third grade. Seriously, whose decision was that West Irvine Elementary?! But the costume mascot? Now, that guy looks pretty dangerous.
BOOMER & SOONER
Have you seen those costumes? They’re pure nightmare fuel—and they’re meant for kids! They might not be the most frisky in a bar fight, but their looks alone should be enough to keep others at bay.
AUBIE THE TIGER
Unlike Mike the Tiger, Aubie gives off the vibe of an absolute lunatic. He reminds me of Chester the Cheetah, who looks like he’d pickpocket you. I can imagine Aubie breaking a beer bottle and using it—best to stay on his good side.
ALBERTA AND ALBERT
You know how things roll in Florida—every other day there’s some wild story. I’d say these two mascots have seen their fair share of brawls. I wonder if they do the gator roll? Not together—get your mind out of the gutter! This is a family show.
TRUMAN THE TIGER
Those eyes have seen things—things no tiger should ever witness. Someone should let Drinkwitz know: fans aren’t absent because they don’t care; they’re terrified of Truman. He truly “stands on business.”
BULLY THE BULLDOG
Have you seen the biceps on those arms? Bully is not to be messed with, especially if he’s swinging one of those cowbells. Getting knocked in the noggin with one would not feel good at all!
BIG AL
You don’t want Big Al wrapping that trunk around you. He’d swing you around like a tilt-a-whirl! Just imagine him swinging a barstool—not fun to be on the receiving end of that.
COCKY
A human-sized chicken? Have you seen what that chicken does to Peter on Family Guy? Count me out of any Chicken Kung Fu!
BEVO
Those horns? Nope, I’m out. Getting stabbed by those would be no fun. But Bevo and Big Al brawling? Now that would be entertaining! I have a feeling Bevo would come out on top, though.
SMOKEY
No bias here... okay, maybe just a little! Smokey may give off those innocent and sweet vibes, but you know he’s got that dawg in him (hehe).
MR. COMMODORE
I know what you’re thinking: “Really, man?” Yes, really. Especially if he eats his spinach. Popeye the Sailor Man ring a bell? He’ll ring yours.
Congratulations! You’ve braved my awful attempts at humor and emerged tougher for it!
Photo above | Bing AI
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